“You bring such insight and energy!” a training participant would tell me. “You’ve been such a tremendous support in helping me reach my goals” a coaching client would comment. My response? “What, this old thing???”

Well, not literally. But I typically gave some reply that took the spotlight off of me, minimized the compliment, and turned it back around. “Well, YOU were an easy client to work with!” was a common boomerang response. And with that, we’d either get into a cringe-inducing back-and-forth about who was really worthy of the praise – or the conversation would just end – with nobody feeling uplifted.

Accepting praise is a positive sign of self-acceptance. Accepting praise establishes and develops interpersonal relationships because it requires an exchange of ideas and opinions. Accepting praise does not mean that you’re done growing or improving – it simply means that you recognize that someone saw something in you worth acknowledging.

Giving genuine praise feels good. When you reject the praise, you reject the person. And that feels bad for everyone.

Whether we’re just beginning a relationship, or we’ve been in one for a long time, we actually give our partner a gift by regarding his or her praise as well-intentioned, genuine and worthy of accepting.

As part of my own personal and professional development, I decided that my behavior was neither helpful nor healthy – and certainly not representative of what I would encourage my clients to do.

In coaching myself, I asked myself a series of questions, and invite anyone who is “praise repellant” to use these as well for your own reflection, or with a friend, partner or coach:

• What kind of praise feels most uncomfortable for me to receive? Why?
• What kind of praise feels comfortable for me to receive? Why?
• Am I more comfortable receiving praise from people I know vs. strangers? What about this might be significant?
• What do I believe about people’s motivations to give me praise?
• Who do I know who receives praise with poise? What can I ask them about this that might help me?
• How would I really feel if people stopped praising me?
• How does giving genuine praise make me feel?
• How might I feel if I just accepted the praise? Undeserving? Egotistical? Needy?
• What would I want someone to say when I praise them?

For me, the final question was by far the easiest one to answer. I would want someone to say “thank you.” In fact, as a result of that question, that’s what I say – “Thank you. I love my job” or “Thank you. That means a lot to me” or “Thank you. I really appreciate it.” Or just “thank you” -- always making sure that my body language includes a genuine smile, great eye contact and a physical tilt towards the person giving me the praise.

Recommendations:

When you ask yourself the questions above, see what surprises you or concerns you. Then ask yourself:

• What implicit or explicit messages are you sending your potential mates, current partner, family, friends and work colleagues about your self-acceptance and self-esteem in how you accept or reject their praise?
• What messages are you sending them about how much you value their opinions and feelings in how you accept or reject their praise?
• What do you want to do differently? Who can help inform you and support you in this?
• When are you going to start engaging in your new behavior?
• What will success look like and feel like?

And for all of you who have taken the time to read, reflect and perhaps re-envision what gracefully receiving praise can do for your relationships, I say, “Terrific job!”

You’re welcome.

Deborah Grayson Riegel is the President of Elevated Training, Inc., a consulting company dedicated to helping clients identify and implement core behavior changes that lead to individual, interpersonal and organizational success. Deborah is highly regarded as a dynamic, creative and results-driven corporate trainer, executive coach, consultant and motivational speaker. Her unbeatable combination of training expertise and energetic presentation style has helped her develop, design and deliver countless presentations, programs and workshops that get participants excited, inspired and feel compelled to perform at a superior level.

Deborah’s clients span the industries from financial services, health care and advertising to law, government and non-profits. Deborah has trained and spoken to audiences in Europe, Asia and North America.

Deborah is a faculty practitioner for the American Management Association and is a conference speaker for the American Society of Training and Development. Deborah was awarded membership into the National Speakers Association, and is a member of the International Association of Facilitators.

While earning her Bachelor’s Degree from the University of Michigan - Ann Arbor, and her Master’s Degree from Columbia University, Deborah toured the United States in an improvisational comedy troupe and has made several television appearances.

She is part of the SABABAtime team, helping Jewish singles on this Jewish Dating service improve their relationships.

For more information, visit www.elevatedtraining.com or email Deborah at info@elevatedtraining.com.

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